Relationship Journeys

How your low self worth is the narcissist supply

Dear Covert Narcissist,

You, I loved. I loved the devil and saint in you! You are my best regret. I should have known that when you said you move on after four days, I would have been no exception. I clowned myself simply because even after you mentioning this to me, I still stayed. So you can imagine to my surprise, two weeks after breaking up, when I was dropping off your things, for me to see you checking in with a girl in your car. You move on real quick. Clearly, you need to fill a void. Narcissists like you have undealt insecurities, past hurts, and trauma that is why you can’t stand being alone

I did not know it then, but the more I indulge in therapy, the more it is evident. You didn’t love me. I was your supply after your Ex. You see, narcissists feed off vulnerable people. The lower their self-worth, the easier the prey.  I knew your parents finance your everything. You do not even pay rent! When I replayed the conversations we had about your company, it was clear that you were feeding off your business partner. I sympathize with my fellow empath. Many take advantage of us, and they come with a victim mentality. Oooh, poor me! The world is out to get me!

I remember how it all began. It began with you putting your best foot forward, it is your go to trait, love bombing. You came into the relationship with so much hype (a mask) on (We would talk every day and video chat every night, flowers on the dateversary, I am not drinking alcohol, I am an ambitious go-getter, I am prayerful) blah! blah! blah! Yes, that is how a narcissist will approach you. To a point of saying I love you on the second date. How do you love me yet you do not know me?

Communication and affection are a basic need for a good relationship to thrive so when I noticed the deteriorative pattern and called you out on it, you acted indifferently. It is only now that I understand that, for your breed of people, when the mask falls off, you can’t keep up. Look at how quick you were to go back to the bottle and the parties. I now see where the suffocation was coming from. Sorry, not sorry.

Another thing that I am now aware of is that you had a lot of insecurities. A narcissist possesses the fear of being found out. You even had an issue with my neighbors being my friends. Me coming back from working out was met with questions of why am I happy? How many dudes were there? Etc. It is all a plan to alienate me from my friends and loved ones so that I can only hold on to you. This strategy is called alienate and demean.

You have a daughter who you hardly fight for. Your baby mama once made a comment to your request for the kid to visit you, she said, “Sitaki ateseke.” This comment really stunned me, but now I see it. Hata mimi sitaki niteseke.  You lack intimacy, you are avoidant when it comes to matters pertaining the bedroom. It is your tool of trade. When I would ask for round two, you would always say, “I am human”. But with how fast you moved on, I can not rule out the thought that it could easily be that you were being intimate with other girls during the relationship. I was amazed to even find out that you bought a cheap bottle of vodka so you could sleep with the lady I saw you with. Could the sexual dysfunction be an insecurity?

Your house didn’t even have a Tv, seats with pocky cushions, faulty shower. Did I mention the bad mattress, my bad! Yet you said, you didn’t feel comfortable in my house. A house which has a 50” Tv, imported seats, working shower and iron box, good mattress (I even bought a new one just for us)… I think I am the one who should never have been comfortable! Even with your dressing of promotional t-shirts. Did you notice that whenever you were at my house you would hog the TV? But hey, you weren’t comfortable. By the looks of it, you weren’t comfortable to a point of oversleeping. Now I understand, it is your nature to break someone slowly by slowly. You were simply projecting your insecurity and irresponsibility on me.

I remember when you narrated to me how you’re ex mistreated you and would not show affection. I tried to erase your hurt by being the best woman I could be. Tea was spread before you woke up, food is well cooked and balanced. Your shower gel/soap is always there ready for you with clean towels and freshly ironed clothes for you to wear. I even bought you stuff so you could feel comfortable in my space. Do you remember what you said? Of course, you don’t! Well, you said, “Aaaai, I feel like you are doing the most!” Indeed I was doing the most to the wrong person. My self-worth was really low. Narcissists feed on this.

I remember you taking me out on a date which resulted in a fight. I now know you didn’t deserve me. Here I was trying to be understanding of the Rona period and what was of the economic position of the country as a whole, not seeing you for who you are! When you showed interest, I abandoned myself and how I took care and pampered myself to focus on you! I would literally even offer to take us out, plead for us to go on dates until I didn’t. Through extensive reading, I have learned that I made excuses for you because I was zero grazing. I had low self-worth and no boundaries or even non-negotiables to who qualifies to date me. My bad!

You once said you know that you are wise. I agree, indeed you are. Narcissists are not dumb people, they are actually very bright. You are wise enough to select your next prey, wise enough to lure them in, even wiser to break them down slowly by slowly… The truth of the matter is, you are hurting. Hurt people hurt people! Seek help, I have survived from your shackles however painful that was.

You hurt me yet I held on. I thought I was strong but you showed me my weaknesses and strengths. I am a good person. A total catch! I am a spiritual, God-fearing, loyal, communicative, and ambitious woman who knows what she brings to the table. I now know that the only thing that I did wrong was; believing you loved me, trusting your words and faint actions, getting with you at a time when loneliness was crippling my life. Giving and loving too much to an undeserving person. 

Best believe I am working on myself by the grace of God and through therapy. Eventually, I will forget you and move on… I forgive myself for believing that you were deserving of my love, respect, and care. Until you deal with the insecurities, trauma, heal and seek forgiveness from those you have hurt/ hurt you, you will keep repeating the same cycle over and over again. Put in the work, develop yourself from the inside out. You are 38 years old turning 39 this year, you still have time to make a man out of yourself. Stop manipulating those around to provide for you. Then and only then will you find true happiness and success.

I forgive you. I now accept all the good things that are making their way to me. Do you know why I know it is only a matter of time? IT IS BECAUSE I AM PUTTING IN THE WORK TO MAKE MYSELF WHOLE

All the best in your healing and self discovery.

Your former supply

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